Shame and Fear

It has been said that we are motivated by shame and fear.  Over the last several months I have been in this process of finding meaningful work that pays well.  When people have asked, I have said that I am an Active Job Seeker.  Honestly, that is getting old.  However, it does lessen the feeling of shame to say it that way rather than "I am unemployed".  Sometimes, I am sure I hold back in conversations because I do not want to be asked that unimaginative question, "what do you do?"  Avoiding talking to my neighbors is also in some manner shame working itself out.

Ironically, the feeling of fear I now have is less than when I was employed.  I am not so afraid of people coming to take things from me because I only make payments on my house, and we have that covered for some time yet.  Really, I don't own a lot of things.  When I was working at my last two jobs over seven years, I was often gripped by a strong feeling of fear.  It felt like I could be fired at any moment.  I never seemed to get a straight answer from management on how I was doing.  If they gave me a favorable answer, I wasn't sure if they were holding back or shooting straight with me.  There were many times when an issue or error with the quoting tool was twisted to make it look like I was incompetent.  I was made to look bad because the tools we worked with were so awful.  Instead of fixing the tools, they choose to take it out on us.

So funny enough, I actually am living fairly free of shame and fear.  This could well explain why I would like to find my own customers and start a service to them as working at a traditional job has caused some shame and certainly fear.  I know that I can manage myself well.  It is finding that income stream.